I need help…

I need some fucking help… I mean obviously I do in regards to what I’ve posted so far; but even then, all that I’ve written so far is still watered down a lot. I stare off in to space constantly wondering what if… “what if I die today?”… “What if I finally do it?”… “What if…” It drives me nuts. I’m constantly looking for health care professionals in my area that are in my insurance coverage but I never contact anyone… I can’t… I don’t have the courage but guys I’m getting scared… but I don’t know what to do… I can’t talk to anyone- and I don’t mean that as in “I don’t have anyone to talk to so I can’t etc” I mean that in I PHYSICALLY CAN’T… I’ve tried and I clam up… I shut down and I get quiet and I just…can’t…

Please…if anyone had some coping methods that I can try just to keep my head about the water right now… just so I can stay in the grey- I don’t think I can deal with dropping into the blue right now… I don’t know… but if you have any thoughts please share… I want to cry but I can’t I need to hold it together… I will not relapse tonight… I WILL…NOT…

Until Tomorrow…

-B

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Hello again

This will be short…nothing much to report other than I feel like shit I want to harm myself really bad right now and I’m just doing what I can to keep busy.

I forgot to post yesterday but nothing really major to update about other than I finally settled on the name “River” for my horse (barn name).

Anyway back to doing some tedious yet time consuming task…

until tomorrow…

-B

So tired…

I was up until 2:30/3 AM Friday and Saturday night and got up at around 7:30 Am Saturday and Sunday morning… Then I was unabke to get to sleep until after 5:30 am Sunday (monday?) and was up at 7:45am….I am flippin tired…

Work wasn’t to bad today in reguards to everything that I did but everything kindah sucked anyway though because I had a massive headache AGAIN… ugh.

I worked with my horse… just a little bit since she’s still in rehab…

Anyway that’s all for tonight I guess…

Untill Tomorrow…

-B

Missed Saturday

So… I missed posting on staurday because I went to a birthday party and stayed up until 2:30am… The good news is I didn’t drink.

I worked half day Saturday…well it was supposed to be a half day but my student cancelled so I worked less than half day, rode one of the lesson horses and then hung out with my horse after.
After work I went home and showered then thought about doing my school work but didn’t then evetually went to the party…. The birthday kid was my “nephew”- I say as such because I am not blood related to…anyone that was there. We are all a redneck family.

It’s weird just how much your family can change even the simplest thing… In this case I am referring to my mood. Im still empty most of the time but when I was with them…it wasn’t as bad… and I didn’t feel worse. With my ‘blood’ family I often feel worse being around them. I don’t often talk to them much anymore…particularly not about anything major. But with my redneck family…I feel as much at home as I possibly can.

Still though… I can’t tell them about this…about how I feel…how I relapse…how I cope…how every waking moment I’m fighting a very strong urge to kill myself… I can’t tell anyone… 

I started this post around 10pmish on Sunday evening but needed to work on school shit so yeah…aaaannyway short bit for Sunday is it was fine. Tolerable day. worked at the rescue. whatever.

so yeah anyway

Until Tomorrow…

-B

Welllll…

Trigger warning: Due to the content of this post I am puting a warning up. Certain topics, words, or phrases may be used and be a trigger to others. Please be careful.

(I should have put this on my previous posts and I completely forgot I’ll edit them later if I remember to, to put on a trigger warning.)

So… sorry for the lack of posts the past couple days I just got busy and didn’t want to post … Wednesday I relapsed pretty bad with my Bulimia… I binged a lot then threw up most of it and went on a 10ish mile jog/run/walk thing… (I did varying amounts of all of those) and also chugged a shit ton of water before and after… My throat is still pretty sore. (I swear if anyone makes a sex joke I will higher a midget to shove a hotdog down your own damn throat)

Anyway that night I was so low and angry that I did’t want to post anything so I just went bed that night…

—–

Thursday… Thursday was actually a decent day. I went and picked up my horse but…it’s still surreal…like…I’m going to wake up one morning and I’ll just be back in my sad pathetic life…same as it always is but without a horse…still though… I have a horse…

—-

Today:

I still have a horse… 

work was decent. Weather is bad so annoyingly didn’t really have much to do…
Until Tomorrow…

-B

Have a goodnight…

My headaches are back again… a short explanation to all you: Since I was about 12ish I’ve had headaches and migraines on and off varying in degree of intensity and lasting. My worst one lasted 3 months and doing anything was hell.

Back to now have had a headache for the past week and today it was awful…i couldn’t focus. I kept messing up simple tasks. ugh.

However on a better not I didn’t binge today even though I wanted to. I didn’t purge even though I wanted to, (I didn’t eat anything healthy but that is for another time)…. I wish I could say I did ‘t self harm but I can’t…but I didn’t self harm as much as I wanted to- don’t know if that means anything.
I felt…really empty today though. I just really wanted be able to disappear… but I pushed past the emptiness and the pain and just kept working until I was able to go home.

Have a goodnight

until tomorrow…

-B

I want to relapse…

almost all good things happened today and I want to turn my arms into shredded meat….What. The. Fuck?! Seriously…what is wrong with me… fuck.

Fuck it all. My mind is a dick.

I also want to cry…and scream.

But I won’t. I’ll continue to stare blankly at the wall- after I’ve finished writing.

Oh also…I’m a piece of shit because I am getting a horse and I can’t be trusted with sharp objects…??? Like horses are my passion…being around horses and riding them and petting them…brings me as close to happiness as I can get… but…I am TERRIBLE for getting this horse…She is gorgeous and sweet and athletic and will be an amazing dressage horse… but how I can I take this horse when I may very well be dead tomorrow? How I can I do that to her and to everyone else who would have to figure out what the hell to do with her if I die? How can one person be so goddamn selfish? Because in all reality I have a super high chance of killing myself and it’s not fun…it’s not okay..but I love this horse and I want her… fucking damnit…just… FUCK.

-B