I want to relapse…

almost all good things happened today and I want to turn my arms into shredded meat….What. The. Fuck?! Seriously…what is wrong with me… fuck.

Fuck it all. My mind is a dick.

I also want to cry…and scream.

But I won’t. I’ll continue to stare blankly at the wall- after I’ve finished writing.

Oh also…I’m a piece of shit because I am getting a horse and I can’t be trusted with sharp objects…??? Like horses are my passion…being around horses and riding them and petting them…brings me as close to happiness as I can get… but…I am TERRIBLE for getting this horse…She is gorgeous and sweet and athletic and will be an amazing dressage horse… but how I can I take this horse when I may very well be dead tomorrow? How I can I do that to her and to everyone else who would have to figure out what the hell to do with her if I die? How can one person be so goddamn selfish? Because in all reality I have a super high chance of killing myself and it’s not fun…it’s not okay..but I love this horse and I want her… fucking damnit…just… FUCK.

-B

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