So Sorry…

I am so terrible sorry I awful at keeping to schedules- particularly when making new habits… nee habits are especially hard for me. I start something and I might even be a little excited for half a momemt but eventually after a few days, or weeks, or possibly even months I end up going back to the same old routines- and a lot of my routine is just laziness…. 

What’s really aggrivating is I WANT to do something… I want to draw, paint, plays some games, ride my horse, take my dog on a walk- SOMETHING… but I just fucking can’t… I got to write whether on paper or computer but I just…stare…at a blank page.

I want to do better…And I will try but I give no promises… In the mean time I’ll try to recap previous shenanigans since my last post (June…REALLY!? jeez -_-)… anyway not a whole lot happened at first and then there was a bit of a set back- for me.

My P.O.S. school I was attending online classes for had some VERY incompetant finacial aid workers and other employees… first the fail to tell me they’re not awarding me finacial aid for the last term I completed until AFTER….the term end…no email, no regular mail, no message on my account…NOTHING until the end and then suddenly I owed them a shit ton for that term and the next term…. and why wasn’t I recieving financial aid…because I didn’t send in a w-2 for 2015…. AND IT DIDN’T EXSIST… seriously… I started working in 2015 at a job…part time as an independant contractor until 2016 when I was THEN put on payroll at the place… but apparently a 1099misc isnt good enough and they wouldnt accept that… needless to say they’re assholes and I’m no longer there. (If you’d like to know the school I will tell you privately but I will not name it here). I paid my stupid bill that really screwed me over and basically took most of my savings – (it was around 1000- not terrible for some people but its takes me awhile to save up like that)- And I had just paid for a vacation (not a super high amount but again I don’t make much) and yes I suppose I COULD have cancelled the vacation- I would have gotten a refund- but I don’t do much very often and it was my first one in a year and a half do…no…i wasn’t going to… but it just threw me off as I try and save as much as I can in the summer because winter comes a long and… there goes half – give or take- of what I make, (not including tips- tips generally drop about 85% in the winter); so my summer savings is generally my winter buffer- I generally can make ends meet with just my regular winter pay but sometimes when weather is bad theres the occaisonal week or few weeks when I may be short- or I may need to get something important or fix something on my vehicle and then there’s the cost of my animals.

By no means am I in the red- and I hope I didn’t make it sound like that but my savings is my saftey net, and also my doctor appointment fund, and I don’t have that this winter and it just stresses me. If I can’t afford it out right in cash* (I have a bank card but no credit card and do not really want one), ans be sure I can make it to my next pay check then it doesn’t happen…which in short means no therapy shenanigans no doctor shenanigans no medications no nothing because my insurance is shit and basically I’m screwed if anything happens to me at all… (and for some reason I can’t get on medicaid though from what I know/understand of it (very little) of people I know on it, it would be much better?)

 But anyway moving on-

(Trigger warning)

I’ve been off for months and I do not know exactly what’s causing it…  I started cutting again- cutting my thigh fairly deep… I’m okay…it last for a almost 2 months… My boyfriend helped me through it a lot and…I’m so greatful for him. Around that same time he almost died and it was terrifying- he is an insulin dependant type 1 diaetic. I came home from work one evening and he was drenched in set sitting on the bed trying to get his blood sugar up and starting to have siezures… I got him some gatorade and other things to help him but norhing was working and I needed to call the paremadics as he was starting to lose conciousness and was becoming unresponsive. The paramedics were able to bring his blood sugar up but it was at 19 when they had got there…

Once his blood sugar was up I got him some food to help keep it stable but he’s still been having issues with his blood sugar dropping a lot- thankfully we’ve been able to bring it back up before he drops even lower…

Good news here: My vacation was awesome… my boyfriend I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain and we had a great time, no issues with anything and it was awesome. (we were in the area for a couple days and then went back home and I spent the rest of my vacation very lazily and it was nice)

And now…currentishness

So… one of the main things I struggle with, with my depression is self care… I go days without showering despite how disgusting it is… I probably brush my teeth a few times a month- usually using gum or other minty things to freshen my breath… If it weren’t for my boyfriend I don’t know how often the sheets would be changed nor my pillow case… I don’t do laundry until I’m out of clothes… I can not understand WHY it’s so hard to do these things… why I have so little care about any of those things… particularly showering- I work at a horse barn…I [attempt] to workout every work day… and I still don’t shower everyday even though I need it…even though I am positive I smell (i’ll use various spray fresheners to help with my smell but those only do so much)… I want to do better but…every time I even think about it theres a sense of dread… It doesn’t make sense…

Anyway I will leave it at that for now and hopefully be back again soon…

Until tomorrow…

-B

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WHY -(this a rant not your regularly scheduled lunacy)

WHY THE HELL IS EVERYTHI LNG SO GOD DAMN FRUSTRATING ALL THE FUCKING TIME?!?

Why must things be made to be shitty? My laptop constantly just goes black and i have to manually shut it down by holding the power button if i ever want to use it again and its only 6 fucking months old. What the actual fuck.

Also i fucking hate google amd android some times. I am trying to upload photos and videos to google drive and its NOT FUCKING WORKING and freaking google wont let me just attach and send the shit via email oooh noo its too fucking hard to attach damn files jesus… but yet I try to upload even just ONE fucking photo to google drive and it takes 20 fucking years because suddenly samsung thinks I asked it to upload every fucking photo on earth! God damn can companies not get their shit together. My first phoneand my first eber computer (well family computer but still) last for YEARS… not fucking 2 hours then shits on you.

Fuck.

-B

Morning

 Morning everyone.

Wednesday is Rescue day and over the past couple days I have been planning and thinking of ways to get more donations in. If any of you have any ideas please feel free to share.

For now though I’m just trying to keep my head above the water. I eaten too much recently and I need to stop. I need to lose more weight… 

Anyway nothing major to report for the prior two days. I will work on being more frequent in my posting.

On the upside though I am finally going to be calling a doctor for my head aches – or I at least plan on calling a doctor. We’ll see if I actually do.

Good bye for now I may post again later tonight…

Until Tomorrow…

-B

What the fucking hell…

I am a very reserved person…I keep things about myself quiet and most people believe I am a “normal” albeit quiet/shy kind of person… I’m not though… inwardly I am going through hell and things that bother me… well I just shut down otherwise I would snap and people would know just how psycho I am… HOWEVER IM STARTING TO THINK THERE IS A GIANT “PSYCHO” SIGN AROUND ME BECAUSE JEEZUS CHRIST PEOPLE KEEP STANDING ME UP AND I AM SO FUCKING OVER IT GODDAMN IT!

Like seriously I know I’m not AMAAAZING looking but I’m not bad looking (usually)… but damnit what the hell is wrong with me…what the fuck do I do (or dont do ) or say (or don’t say) that rings that bell in people’s mind that screams “HOLD UP. FUCK THIS CHICK LEAVE HER HIGH AND DRY”…. and obviously I’m doing SOMETHING wrong because it KEEPS FUCKING HAPPENING… I am so fucking over it. FUCK.

also if any of you ever stand someone up or make some bullshit excuse to get out of a date you are and asshole and can go fuck yourself. If you’re not interested just say so don’t be a fuckstick amd waste their time.

Until Tomorrow….

-B