Somewhat hiatus-ish

I didn’t post the past 2 days as I’ve just been SUPER busy with work, school, side jobs, and just keeping myself from falling into a dark hole. It’s hard… I’m exauhstead ALL the time…I generally don’t get to sleep until midnight or later IF I manage to get to sleep and then I’m up between 5 and 6 am… my head hurts constantly… MY FACE IS SUNBURNED NOW BECAUSE IDIOT ME FORGOT SUNBLOCK >.< … on the upside my horse is amazing and does help to bright my day a little bit every time… She’s very smart… though she does to try to bend the rules if thinks she can get away with it- (but that’s a horse for you)- still though… I rushed into this (owning a horse again) without thinking enough through and if I can’t get more hours I don’t know if I’m going to be able to afford her and my rent… (I will sleep in my car before I even give up a horse again). …still though… 4 more months of my lease shouldn’t be too bad if I do enough side jobs it should be fine… I was wanting to get a business license so I could start up my own small side business but… that’ll have to wait…

(trigger warning) As far as my thoughts go they haven’t been too dark today… sunday and monday they were awful… the urge to harm myself is always there but was easier to ignore today than the last couple but it’s still…haunting me… and it does’nt help that the mark from my last self harm relapse is pretty my right there in my face like its screaming at me “DO IT AGAIN…DO IT AGAIN”… (it’s on the side of my wrist- burn from a cigarette).

Anyway, I’m tired…sore…head is throbbing exceedingly bad tonight…I have tomorrow off so even though I probabky won’t go to sleep all that soon I won’t be getting up all that early….hopefully… anyway I don’t know if I’ll post anything tomorrow or thursday or onward or not… it just depends on how much I have to do school work wise and how much I actually get done…

Goodnight all and thank you all who habe taken time to read these…thank you to all who have liked or followed or commented or any combination of the above… Thank you…

Until Next Time…

-B

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What the fucking hell…

I am a very reserved person…I keep things about myself quiet and most people believe I am a “normal” albeit quiet/shy kind of person… I’m not though… inwardly I am going through hell and things that bother me… well I just shut down otherwise I would snap and people would know just how psycho I am… HOWEVER IM STARTING TO THINK THERE IS A GIANT “PSYCHO” SIGN AROUND ME BECAUSE JEEZUS CHRIST PEOPLE KEEP STANDING ME UP AND I AM SO FUCKING OVER IT GODDAMN IT!

Like seriously I know I’m not AMAAAZING looking but I’m not bad looking (usually)… but damnit what the hell is wrong with me…what the fuck do I do (or dont do ) or say (or don’t say) that rings that bell in people’s mind that screams “HOLD UP. FUCK THIS CHICK LEAVE HER HIGH AND DRY”…. and obviously I’m doing SOMETHING wrong because it KEEPS FUCKING HAPPENING… I am so fucking over it. FUCK.

also if any of you ever stand someone up or make some bullshit excuse to get out of a date you are and asshole and can go fuck yourself. If you’re not interested just say so don’t be a fuckstick amd waste their time.

Until Tomorrow….

-B

Goodnight…

long long long long long long long day… I am tired yet can’t sleep and I stilk have work tomorrow. I am beyond over these crap feelings and these crap migraines…ugh.

At least I’ll have sunday off and I think I’ll just do something simple…I don’t think I’ll go to the rescue Sunday…but then again I dunno…we’ll see…

anyway I hope you all are doing well and if any of you need help… seek it. take your courage and get help before you lose it all… because battling this all alone and no courage to ask for help sucks ass…

Goodnight

Until Tomorrow…

-B

I need help…

I need some fucking help… I mean obviously I do in regards to what I’ve posted so far; but even then, all that I’ve written so far is still watered down a lot. I stare off in to space constantly wondering what if… “what if I die today?”… “What if I finally do it?”… “What if…” It drives me nuts. I’m constantly looking for health care professionals in my area that are in my insurance coverage but I never contact anyone… I can’t… I don’t have the courage but guys I’m getting scared… but I don’t know what to do… I can’t talk to anyone- and I don’t mean that as in “I don’t have anyone to talk to so I can’t etc” I mean that in I PHYSICALLY CAN’T… I’ve tried and I clam up… I shut down and I get quiet and I just…can’t…

Please…if anyone had some coping methods that I can try just to keep my head about the water right now… just so I can stay in the grey- I don’t think I can deal with dropping into the blue right now… I don’t know… but if you have any thoughts please share… I want to cry but I can’t I need to hold it together… I will not relapse tonight… I WILL…NOT…

Until Tomorrow…

-B

Hello again

This will be short…nothing much to report other than I feel like shit I want to harm myself really bad right now and I’m just doing what I can to keep busy.

I forgot to post yesterday but nothing really major to update about other than I finally settled on the name “River” for my horse (barn name).

Anyway back to doing some tedious yet time consuming task…

until tomorrow…

-B

So tired…

I was up until 2:30/3 AM Friday and Saturday night and got up at around 7:30 Am Saturday and Sunday morning… Then I was unabke to get to sleep until after 5:30 am Sunday (monday?) and was up at 7:45am….I am flippin tired…

Work wasn’t to bad today in reguards to everything that I did but everything kindah sucked anyway though because I had a massive headache AGAIN… ugh.

I worked with my horse… just a little bit since she’s still in rehab…

Anyway that’s all for tonight I guess…

Untill Tomorrow…

-B

Missed Saturday

So… I missed posting on staurday because I went to a birthday party and stayed up until 2:30am… The good news is I didn’t drink.

I worked half day Saturday…well it was supposed to be a half day but my student cancelled so I worked less than half day, rode one of the lesson horses and then hung out with my horse after.
After work I went home and showered then thought about doing my school work but didn’t then evetually went to the party…. The birthday kid was my “nephew”- I say as such because I am not blood related to…anyone that was there. We are all a redneck family.

It’s weird just how much your family can change even the simplest thing… In this case I am referring to my mood. Im still empty most of the time but when I was with them…it wasn’t as bad… and I didn’t feel worse. With my ‘blood’ family I often feel worse being around them. I don’t often talk to them much anymore…particularly not about anything major. But with my redneck family…I feel as much at home as I possibly can.

Still though… I can’t tell them about this…about how I feel…how I relapse…how I cope…how every waking moment I’m fighting a very strong urge to kill myself… I can’t tell anyone… 

I started this post around 10pmish on Sunday evening but needed to work on school shit so yeah…aaaannyway short bit for Sunday is it was fine. Tolerable day. worked at the rescue. whatever.

so yeah anyway

Until Tomorrow…

-B