So Sorry…

I am so terrible sorry I awful at keeping to schedules- particularly when making new habits… nee habits are especially hard for me. I start something and I might even be a little excited for half a momemt but eventually after a few days, or weeks, or possibly even months I end up going back to the same old routines- and a lot of my routine is just laziness…. 

What’s really aggrivating is I WANT to do something… I want to draw, paint, plays some games, ride my horse, take my dog on a walk- SOMETHING… but I just fucking can’t… I got to write whether on paper or computer but I just…stare…at a blank page.

I want to do better…And I will try but I give no promises… In the mean time I’ll try to recap previous shenanigans since my last post (June…REALLY!? jeez -_-)… anyway not a whole lot happened at first and then there was a bit of a set back- for me.

My P.O.S. school I was attending online classes for had some VERY incompetant finacial aid workers and other employees… first the fail to tell me they’re not awarding me finacial aid for the last term I completed until AFTER….the term end…no email, no regular mail, no message on my account…NOTHING until the end and then suddenly I owed them a shit ton for that term and the next term…. and why wasn’t I recieving financial aid…because I didn’t send in a w-2 for 2015…. AND IT DIDN’T EXSIST… seriously… I started working in 2015 at a job…part time as an independant contractor until 2016 when I was THEN put on payroll at the place… but apparently a 1099misc isnt good enough and they wouldnt accept that… needless to say they’re assholes and I’m no longer there. (If you’d like to know the school I will tell you privately but I will not name it here). I paid my stupid bill that really screwed me over and basically took most of my savings – (it was around 1000- not terrible for some people but its takes me awhile to save up like that)- And I had just paid for a vacation (not a super high amount but again I don’t make much) and yes I suppose I COULD have cancelled the vacation- I would have gotten a refund- but I don’t do much very often and it was my first one in a year and a half do…no…i wasn’t going to… but it just threw me off as I try and save as much as I can in the summer because winter comes a long and… there goes half – give or take- of what I make, (not including tips- tips generally drop about 85% in the winter); so my summer savings is generally my winter buffer- I generally can make ends meet with just my regular winter pay but sometimes when weather is bad theres the occaisonal week or few weeks when I may be short- or I may need to get something important or fix something on my vehicle and then there’s the cost of my animals.

By no means am I in the red- and I hope I didn’t make it sound like that but my savings is my saftey net, and also my doctor appointment fund, and I don’t have that this winter and it just stresses me. If I can’t afford it out right in cash* (I have a bank card but no credit card and do not really want one), ans be sure I can make it to my next pay check then it doesn’t happen…which in short means no therapy shenanigans no doctor shenanigans no medications no nothing because my insurance is shit and basically I’m screwed if anything happens to me at all… (and for some reason I can’t get on medicaid though from what I know/understand of it (very little) of people I know on it, it would be much better?)

 But anyway moving on-

(Trigger warning)

I’ve been off for months and I do not know exactly what’s causing it…  I started cutting again- cutting my thigh fairly deep… I’m okay…it last for a almost 2 months… My boyfriend helped me through it a lot and…I’m so greatful for him. Around that same time he almost died and it was terrifying- he is an insulin dependant type 1 diaetic. I came home from work one evening and he was drenched in set sitting on the bed trying to get his blood sugar up and starting to have siezures… I got him some gatorade and other things to help him but norhing was working and I needed to call the paremadics as he was starting to lose conciousness and was becoming unresponsive. The paramedics were able to bring his blood sugar up but it was at 19 when they had got there…

Once his blood sugar was up I got him some food to help keep it stable but he’s still been having issues with his blood sugar dropping a lot- thankfully we’ve been able to bring it back up before he drops even lower…

Good news here: My vacation was awesome… my boyfriend I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain and we had a great time, no issues with anything and it was awesome. (we were in the area for a couple days and then went back home and I spent the rest of my vacation very lazily and it was nice)

And now…currentishness

So… one of the main things I struggle with, with my depression is self care… I go days without showering despite how disgusting it is… I probably brush my teeth a few times a month- usually using gum or other minty things to freshen my breath… If it weren’t for my boyfriend I don’t know how often the sheets would be changed nor my pillow case… I don’t do laundry until I’m out of clothes… I can not understand WHY it’s so hard to do these things… why I have so little care about any of those things… particularly showering- I work at a horse barn…I [attempt] to workout every work day… and I still don’t shower everyday even though I need it…even though I am positive I smell (i’ll use various spray fresheners to help with my smell but those only do so much)… I want to do better but…every time I even think about it theres a sense of dread… It doesn’t make sense…

Anyway I will leave it at that for now and hopefully be back again soon…

Until tomorrow…

-B

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This will be a long post.

Also- Trigger Warning.

Previously I had made a post about my roommate/college friend’s little girl but I removed it.  Some personal reasons compelled me to have it removed and it wasn’t posted up for very long but anyway I’ll post about it more here- not really the same as the previous one though…

One of my closest friends had a baby girl on November 7th of 2016. 5 weeks premature and with a number of other health issues and complications. This spurred a 5 month journey that only ended in heart break and despair.  Beatrix, (the baby), died April 9th of 2017 in the arms of her mother. We all had 2 days to say our goodbyes but it still wasn’t enough. It’s not fucking fair and I’m still pissed. The worst part is she had improved enormously… She was off the ventilator for a week and a half. She was eating and sleeping normally and had just been playing happily 4 days prior and then the 7th she just crashed and that was it. There was nothing more to do but wait and see… wait to no avail… I can’t help but to wonder if the original hospital involved with her ‘birth’ had something to do with it… the premature. It was a c-section. The details are a bit…weird so I never asked to many question but still… Is there a chance they took her out early without needing too? Would it have made a difference? IF so- is there anything that can be done? At least awareness so this doesn’t happen again? I don’t know I’m rambling, I need to find out more information first… Anyway I’ve been there as much as possible for my friend. She’s doing well… I’m not certain if she was put on any antidepressants or not but she’s not a wreck…she’s sad I know… but I also think she’s a bit relieved. Relieved because Beatrix is no longer in pain… She’s not having to spend every damn second inside a hospital connect to machines.

Over the past few days I’ve been helping my friends (and roommates) grieve, working, school work, rescue work, getting things together for getting my business license, and sleeping about 4-6 hours a week. I’m so fucking exhausted and yet I can’t sleep even if I TRY to… I eat less now which aggravates my migraines but I don’t fucking care anymore- I’m down about 5 pounds and I want to drop down more anyway… I want to be around 110…between 100-110 is my ideal area… I need to work out more again.  Eat less shit food…RAMBLING…

Anyway… The urge to harm and/or kill myself has been on overdrive as of late. I can’t seem to shut it out no matter what I do… I find myself picking at my skin with my [lack] of finger nails. Using whatever happens to be in my hand to scratch or rub my skin raw… I want this damn feeling to go away… I want to bleed… I want to hurt. I want to die…and I want to live and be free of all this shit. I have been purposefully putting myself in dangerous situations…but as of yet I’ve been okay… I just feign a smile and act like it was an accident if someone questions my actions… They’re never accidents… I even tried to get smashed in the head by my horse when she reacted to something and reared up striking out– typically, smart- NORMAL- people move out of the way of a rearing, striking horse but I just kind of moved towards her… I almost got clobbered…but wasn’t close enough…. Though I’m pretty sure that getting my head smashed would feel better than this never ending fucking migraine shit. FUCK.

Fuck I’m done tonight, everything is hurting… lights are bothering my eyes, my computer fan is too loud. Just over all I haven’t been very happy recently so everything is just annoying and painful.

Until Tomorrow…

-B

I need help…

I need some fucking help… I mean obviously I do in regards to what I’ve posted so far; but even then, all that I’ve written so far is still watered down a lot. I stare off in to space constantly wondering what if… “what if I die today?”… “What if I finally do it?”… “What if…” It drives me nuts. I’m constantly looking for health care professionals in my area that are in my insurance coverage but I never contact anyone… I can’t… I don’t have the courage but guys I’m getting scared… but I don’t know what to do… I can’t talk to anyone- and I don’t mean that as in “I don’t have anyone to talk to so I can’t etc” I mean that in I PHYSICALLY CAN’T… I’ve tried and I clam up… I shut down and I get quiet and I just…can’t…

Please…if anyone had some coping methods that I can try just to keep my head about the water right now… just so I can stay in the grey- I don’t think I can deal with dropping into the blue right now… I don’t know… but if you have any thoughts please share… I want to cry but I can’t I need to hold it together… I will not relapse tonight… I WILL…NOT…

Until Tomorrow…

-B

Missed Saturday

So… I missed posting on staurday because I went to a birthday party and stayed up until 2:30am… The good news is I didn’t drink.

I worked half day Saturday…well it was supposed to be a half day but my student cancelled so I worked less than half day, rode one of the lesson horses and then hung out with my horse after.
After work I went home and showered then thought about doing my school work but didn’t then evetually went to the party…. The birthday kid was my “nephew”- I say as such because I am not blood related to…anyone that was there. We are all a redneck family.

It’s weird just how much your family can change even the simplest thing… In this case I am referring to my mood. Im still empty most of the time but when I was with them…it wasn’t as bad… and I didn’t feel worse. With my ‘blood’ family I often feel worse being around them. I don’t often talk to them much anymore…particularly not about anything major. But with my redneck family…I feel as much at home as I possibly can.

Still though… I can’t tell them about this…about how I feel…how I relapse…how I cope…how every waking moment I’m fighting a very strong urge to kill myself… I can’t tell anyone… 

I started this post around 10pmish on Sunday evening but needed to work on school shit so yeah…aaaannyway short bit for Sunday is it was fine. Tolerable day. worked at the rescue. whatever.

so yeah anyway

Until Tomorrow…

-B

Welllll…

Trigger warning: Due to the content of this post I am puting a warning up. Certain topics, words, or phrases may be used and be a trigger to others. Please be careful.

(I should have put this on my previous posts and I completely forgot I’ll edit them later if I remember to, to put on a trigger warning.)

So… sorry for the lack of posts the past couple days I just got busy and didn’t want to post … Wednesday I relapsed pretty bad with my Bulimia… I binged a lot then threw up most of it and went on a 10ish mile jog/run/walk thing… (I did varying amounts of all of those) and also chugged a shit ton of water before and after… My throat is still pretty sore. (I swear if anyone makes a sex joke I will higher a midget to shove a hotdog down your own damn throat)

Anyway that night I was so low and angry that I did’t want to post anything so I just went bed that night…

—–

Thursday… Thursday was actually a decent day. I went and picked up my horse but…it’s still surreal…like…I’m going to wake up one morning and I’ll just be back in my sad pathetic life…same as it always is but without a horse…still though… I have a horse…

—-

Today:

I still have a horse… 

work was decent. Weather is bad so annoyingly didn’t really have much to do…
Until Tomorrow…

-B