Shiiit…

— Trigger Warning–

It’s been a long time and I wish I could say it was for good reason but it’s not… not really… I just didn’t fucking care to write…to post to keep anyone informed that I was still alive. But honestly who the fuck cares… I don’t.

Things have been… up and down. I didn’t look back at what I last posted so I’m not sure If i’ll recap everything necessarily. But first to start off with I gucking hate my roommates. Honestly… don’t ever have roommates if my name wasn’t also on the lease Id leave right now. Id rather live in my fucking car than with these shitheads. (okay i know im not writing properly- capitalizations and punctuations and shit but I dont care enough right now- i MIGHT fix it later… we’ll see)

I was friends with my roommates before we moved into the same place… at this rate by the end of our lease if i cant keep it together we are probably going to be fucking mortal enemies… but seriously…FUCK THEM. they are disgusting lazy fucking slobs and I REFUSE to clean up after their shit. They will not take out the trash is has been piling up — THIS TIME– FOR A WHOLE FUCKING MONTH. NOT EVEN IN A CAN OR BAG JUST ON THE FLOOR IN THE CORNER OF THE KITCHEN/DINING ROOM (one of those apartments where the dining room and kitchen conjoin)… THIS IS NOT THE FIRST FUCKING TIME… the first time i bagged and trashed all the shit… 5 fucking full regular kitchen trash bags PLUS SOME MEDIUM-ISH SIZED BOXES FULL OF TRASH… I fucking hate it…Im paying my part of the rent for a place that im at barely 4 times out of a fucking month and they can even be bothered to get up off their fucking asses to take out some fucking garbage!?! And don’t even get me started on the fucking dishes– WE HAVE A GODDAMN DISHWASHER AND ENOUGH DISHES FOR JUST 4 PEOPLE (there are only 3 including myself) AND THEY STILL LEAVE THEM FOR WEEKS!! They have boxes and shit everywhere of their bullshit stuff… they have 3 fucking cats (notice i tolerate cats dont hate em but dont have to have one) AND IT FUCKING REAKS TO HIGH HEAVEN I DONT EVER INVITE ANYONE OVER (because i have noone to invite over really) because its so fucking disgusting…. and fuck them if they think im going to be their fucking maid… maybe if they want to pay FULL rent themselves..then i MIGHT consider it… Fuck them and their disgusting asses. At the very least I shouldn’t be paying half the rent… I am limited to my small ass fucking room (they of course took the master without any consultation or otherwise) and my bathroom which is also the public one if anyone were to use it… but the point I have shit here… I almost never here… (I got the apartment and then shortly there after all my jobs boomed and ive been superbly busy one of my jobs is staying at others’ houses anf wstching their animals while they’re out of town)… I… i just want out…ugh

At some point around the time I stopped writing I got a boyfriend… back in early May… I didn’t really expect it to go…how it did but… he’s great… but im terrified… im going to fucking ruin it…I know I am and in the past week Ive become so low…and so fucking insane and … I don’t know how i can tell him…

which brings me (us?) to now… ive relapsed… bad… ive been crying and ive been cutting and ive been purging… the last couples weeks have been awful… When Im at my bf i refuse to eat- act like im not hungry whatever I can do… i hide the new cuts…and just… fuck… how can you tell someone you care about so much you’re a broken piece of shit? And why the fuck should it matter though? Fuck… those of you who have read the very first post you know how i contemplate suicide everyday… that hasnt stopped its only gotten worse… its all the fucking time… and I tell myself who the fuck would give a shit anyway even if i did just kill myself? But that’s the thing… I KNOW there are a number of people who would give at least one shit… but thats just it… I DONT CARE… I DONT care how much it would affect others…. I just dont want to fucking live anymore and Im finiding it harder and harder to find something to grasp onto…

I dont know what the fuck to do…

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This will be a long post.

Also- Trigger Warning.

Previously I had made a post about my roommate/college friend’s little girl but I removed it.  Some personal reasons compelled me to have it removed and it wasn’t posted up for very long but anyway I’ll post about it more here- not really the same as the previous one though…

One of my closest friends had a baby girl on November 7th of 2016. 5 weeks premature and with a number of other health issues and complications. This spurred a 5 month journey that only ended in heart break and despair.  Beatrix, (the baby), died April 9th of 2017 in the arms of her mother. We all had 2 days to say our goodbyes but it still wasn’t enough. It’s not fucking fair and I’m still pissed. The worst part is she had improved enormously… She was off the ventilator for a week and a half. She was eating and sleeping normally and had just been playing happily 4 days prior and then the 7th she just crashed and that was it. There was nothing more to do but wait and see… wait to no avail… I can’t help but to wonder if the original hospital involved with her ‘birth’ had something to do with it… the premature. It was a c-section. The details are a bit…weird so I never asked to many question but still… Is there a chance they took her out early without needing too? Would it have made a difference? IF so- is there anything that can be done? At least awareness so this doesn’t happen again? I don’t know I’m rambling, I need to find out more information first… Anyway I’ve been there as much as possible for my friend. She’s doing well… I’m not certain if she was put on any antidepressants or not but she’s not a wreck…she’s sad I know… but I also think she’s a bit relieved. Relieved because Beatrix is no longer in pain… She’s not having to spend every damn second inside a hospital connect to machines.

Over the past few days I’ve been helping my friends (and roommates) grieve, working, school work, rescue work, getting things together for getting my business license, and sleeping about 4-6 hours a week. I’m so fucking exhausted and yet I can’t sleep even if I TRY to… I eat less now which aggravates my migraines but I don’t fucking care anymore- I’m down about 5 pounds and I want to drop down more anyway… I want to be around 110…between 100-110 is my ideal area… I need to work out more again.  Eat less shit food…RAMBLING…

Anyway… The urge to harm and/or kill myself has been on overdrive as of late. I can’t seem to shut it out no matter what I do… I find myself picking at my skin with my [lack] of finger nails. Using whatever happens to be in my hand to scratch or rub my skin raw… I want this damn feeling to go away… I want to bleed… I want to hurt. I want to die…and I want to live and be free of all this shit. I have been purposefully putting myself in dangerous situations…but as of yet I’ve been okay… I just feign a smile and act like it was an accident if someone questions my actions… They’re never accidents… I even tried to get smashed in the head by my horse when she reacted to something and reared up striking out– typically, smart- NORMAL- people move out of the way of a rearing, striking horse but I just kind of moved towards her… I almost got clobbered…but wasn’t close enough…. Though I’m pretty sure that getting my head smashed would feel better than this never ending fucking migraine shit. FUCK.

Fuck I’m done tonight, everything is hurting… lights are bothering my eyes, my computer fan is too loud. Just over all I haven’t been very happy recently so everything is just annoying and painful.

Until Tomorrow…

-B

I need help…

I need some fucking help… I mean obviously I do in regards to what I’ve posted so far; but even then, all that I’ve written so far is still watered down a lot. I stare off in to space constantly wondering what if… “what if I die today?”… “What if I finally do it?”… “What if…” It drives me nuts. I’m constantly looking for health care professionals in my area that are in my insurance coverage but I never contact anyone… I can’t… I don’t have the courage but guys I’m getting scared… but I don’t know what to do… I can’t talk to anyone- and I don’t mean that as in “I don’t have anyone to talk to so I can’t etc” I mean that in I PHYSICALLY CAN’T… I’ve tried and I clam up… I shut down and I get quiet and I just…can’t…

Please…if anyone had some coping methods that I can try just to keep my head about the water right now… just so I can stay in the grey- I don’t think I can deal with dropping into the blue right now… I don’t know… but if you have any thoughts please share… I want to cry but I can’t I need to hold it together… I will not relapse tonight… I WILL…NOT…

Until Tomorrow…

-B

Missed Saturday

So… I missed posting on staurday because I went to a birthday party and stayed up until 2:30am… The good news is I didn’t drink.

I worked half day Saturday…well it was supposed to be a half day but my student cancelled so I worked less than half day, rode one of the lesson horses and then hung out with my horse after.
After work I went home and showered then thought about doing my school work but didn’t then evetually went to the party…. The birthday kid was my “nephew”- I say as such because I am not blood related to…anyone that was there. We are all a redneck family.

It’s weird just how much your family can change even the simplest thing… In this case I am referring to my mood. Im still empty most of the time but when I was with them…it wasn’t as bad… and I didn’t feel worse. With my ‘blood’ family I often feel worse being around them. I don’t often talk to them much anymore…particularly not about anything major. But with my redneck family…I feel as much at home as I possibly can.

Still though… I can’t tell them about this…about how I feel…how I relapse…how I cope…how every waking moment I’m fighting a very strong urge to kill myself… I can’t tell anyone… 

I started this post around 10pmish on Sunday evening but needed to work on school shit so yeah…aaaannyway short bit for Sunday is it was fine. Tolerable day. worked at the rescue. whatever.

so yeah anyway

Until Tomorrow…

-B

Welllll…

Trigger warning: Due to the content of this post I am puting a warning up. Certain topics, words, or phrases may be used and be a trigger to others. Please be careful.

(I should have put this on my previous posts and I completely forgot I’ll edit them later if I remember to, to put on a trigger warning.)

So… sorry for the lack of posts the past couple days I just got busy and didn’t want to post … Wednesday I relapsed pretty bad with my Bulimia… I binged a lot then threw up most of it and went on a 10ish mile jog/run/walk thing… (I did varying amounts of all of those) and also chugged a shit ton of water before and after… My throat is still pretty sore. (I swear if anyone makes a sex joke I will higher a midget to shove a hotdog down your own damn throat)

Anyway that night I was so low and angry that I did’t want to post anything so I just went bed that night…

—–

Thursday… Thursday was actually a decent day. I went and picked up my horse but…it’s still surreal…like…I’m going to wake up one morning and I’ll just be back in my sad pathetic life…same as it always is but without a horse…still though… I have a horse…

—-

Today:

I still have a horse… 

work was decent. Weather is bad so annoyingly didn’t really have much to do…
Until Tomorrow…

-B