I have returned

I’ve returned to my regular posting now (I think/hope)… I had a very bad low moment and needed to get some real help for a bit. 

It’s hard to admit that I’ve reached that point to where I am too weak to keep fighting on my own… that I am a failure but it was either get help or die… I’m still not convinced I made the right choice. 

I don’t know but… I’m going to go paint or something even though it’s past midnight. Can’t sleep….

Until Tomorrow…

-B

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This will be a long post.

Also- Trigger Warning.

Previously I had made a post about my roommate/college friend’s little girl but I removed it.  Some personal reasons compelled me to have it removed and it wasn’t posted up for very long but anyway I’ll post about it more here- not really the same as the previous one though…

One of my closest friends had a baby girl on November 7th of 2016. 5 weeks premature and with a number of other health issues and complications. This spurred a 5 month journey that only ended in heart break and despair.  Beatrix, (the baby), died April 9th of 2017 in the arms of her mother. We all had 2 days to say our goodbyes but it still wasn’t enough. It’s not fucking fair and I’m still pissed. The worst part is she had improved enormously… She was off the ventilator for a week and a half. She was eating and sleeping normally and had just been playing happily 4 days prior and then the 7th she just crashed and that was it. There was nothing more to do but wait and see… wait to no avail… I can’t help but to wonder if the original hospital involved with her ‘birth’ had something to do with it… the premature. It was a c-section. The details are a bit…weird so I never asked to many question but still… Is there a chance they took her out early without needing too? Would it have made a difference? IF so- is there anything that can be done? At least awareness so this doesn’t happen again? I don’t know I’m rambling, I need to find out more information first… Anyway I’ve been there as much as possible for my friend. She’s doing well… I’m not certain if she was put on any antidepressants or not but she’s not a wreck…she’s sad I know… but I also think she’s a bit relieved. Relieved because Beatrix is no longer in pain… She’s not having to spend every damn second inside a hospital connect to machines.

Over the past few days I’ve been helping my friends (and roommates) grieve, working, school work, rescue work, getting things together for getting my business license, and sleeping about 4-6 hours a week. I’m so fucking exhausted and yet I can’t sleep even if I TRY to… I eat less now which aggravates my migraines but I don’t fucking care anymore- I’m down about 5 pounds and I want to drop down more anyway… I want to be around 110…between 100-110 is my ideal area… I need to work out more again.  Eat less shit food…RAMBLING…

Anyway… The urge to harm and/or kill myself has been on overdrive as of late. I can’t seem to shut it out no matter what I do… I find myself picking at my skin with my [lack] of finger nails. Using whatever happens to be in my hand to scratch or rub my skin raw… I want this damn feeling to go away… I want to bleed… I want to hurt. I want to die…and I want to live and be free of all this shit. I have been purposefully putting myself in dangerous situations…but as of yet I’ve been okay… I just feign a smile and act like it was an accident if someone questions my actions… They’re never accidents… I even tried to get smashed in the head by my horse when she reacted to something and reared up striking out– typically, smart- NORMAL- people move out of the way of a rearing, striking horse but I just kind of moved towards her… I almost got clobbered…but wasn’t close enough…. Though I’m pretty sure that getting my head smashed would feel better than this never ending fucking migraine shit. FUCK.

Fuck I’m done tonight, everything is hurting… lights are bothering my eyes, my computer fan is too loud. Just over all I haven’t been very happy recently so everything is just annoying and painful.

Until Tomorrow…

-B

Somewhat hiatus-ish

I didn’t post the past 2 days as I’ve just been SUPER busy with work, school, side jobs, and just keeping myself from falling into a dark hole. It’s hard… I’m exauhstead ALL the time…I generally don’t get to sleep until midnight or later IF I manage to get to sleep and then I’m up between 5 and 6 am… my head hurts constantly… MY FACE IS SUNBURNED NOW BECAUSE IDIOT ME FORGOT SUNBLOCK >.< … on the upside my horse is amazing and does help to bright my day a little bit every time… She’s very smart… though she does to try to bend the rules if thinks she can get away with it- (but that’s a horse for you)- still though… I rushed into this (owning a horse again) without thinking enough through and if I can’t get more hours I don’t know if I’m going to be able to afford her and my rent… (I will sleep in my car before I even give up a horse again). …still though… 4 more months of my lease shouldn’t be too bad if I do enough side jobs it should be fine… I was wanting to get a business license so I could start up my own small side business but… that’ll have to wait…

(trigger warning) As far as my thoughts go they haven’t been too dark today… sunday and monday they were awful… the urge to harm myself is always there but was easier to ignore today than the last couple but it’s still…haunting me… and it does’nt help that the mark from my last self harm relapse is pretty my right there in my face like its screaming at me “DO IT AGAIN…DO IT AGAIN”… (it’s on the side of my wrist- burn from a cigarette).

Anyway, I’m tired…sore…head is throbbing exceedingly bad tonight…I have tomorrow off so even though I probabky won’t go to sleep all that soon I won’t be getting up all that early….hopefully… anyway I don’t know if I’ll post anything tomorrow or thursday or onward or not… it just depends on how much I have to do school work wise and how much I actually get done…

Goodnight all and thank you all who habe taken time to read these…thank you to all who have liked or followed or commented or any combination of the above… Thank you…

Until Next Time…

-B

I need help…

I need some fucking help… I mean obviously I do in regards to what I’ve posted so far; but even then, all that I’ve written so far is still watered down a lot. I stare off in to space constantly wondering what if… “what if I die today?”… “What if I finally do it?”… “What if…” It drives me nuts. I’m constantly looking for health care professionals in my area that are in my insurance coverage but I never contact anyone… I can’t… I don’t have the courage but guys I’m getting scared… but I don’t know what to do… I can’t talk to anyone- and I don’t mean that as in “I don’t have anyone to talk to so I can’t etc” I mean that in I PHYSICALLY CAN’T… I’ve tried and I clam up… I shut down and I get quiet and I just…can’t…

Please…if anyone had some coping methods that I can try just to keep my head about the water right now… just so I can stay in the grey- I don’t think I can deal with dropping into the blue right now… I don’t know… but if you have any thoughts please share… I want to cry but I can’t I need to hold it together… I will not relapse tonight… I WILL…NOT…

Until Tomorrow…

-B

Hello again

This will be short…nothing much to report other than I feel like shit I want to harm myself really bad right now and I’m just doing what I can to keep busy.

I forgot to post yesterday but nothing really major to update about other than I finally settled on the name “River” for my horse (barn name).

Anyway back to doing some tedious yet time consuming task…

until tomorrow…

-B

So tired…

I was up until 2:30/3 AM Friday and Saturday night and got up at around 7:30 Am Saturday and Sunday morning… Then I was unabke to get to sleep until after 5:30 am Sunday (monday?) and was up at 7:45am….I am flippin tired…

Work wasn’t to bad today in reguards to everything that I did but everything kindah sucked anyway though because I had a massive headache AGAIN… ugh.

I worked with my horse… just a little bit since she’s still in rehab…

Anyway that’s all for tonight I guess…

Untill Tomorrow…

-B

Missed Saturday

So… I missed posting on staurday because I went to a birthday party and stayed up until 2:30am… The good news is I didn’t drink.

I worked half day Saturday…well it was supposed to be a half day but my student cancelled so I worked less than half day, rode one of the lesson horses and then hung out with my horse after.
After work I went home and showered then thought about doing my school work but didn’t then evetually went to the party…. The birthday kid was my “nephew”- I say as such because I am not blood related to…anyone that was there. We are all a redneck family.

It’s weird just how much your family can change even the simplest thing… In this case I am referring to my mood. Im still empty most of the time but when I was with them…it wasn’t as bad… and I didn’t feel worse. With my ‘blood’ family I often feel worse being around them. I don’t often talk to them much anymore…particularly not about anything major. But with my redneck family…I feel as much at home as I possibly can.

Still though… I can’t tell them about this…about how I feel…how I relapse…how I cope…how every waking moment I’m fighting a very strong urge to kill myself… I can’t tell anyone… 

I started this post around 10pmish on Sunday evening but needed to work on school shit so yeah…aaaannyway short bit for Sunday is it was fine. Tolerable day. worked at the rescue. whatever.

so yeah anyway

Until Tomorrow…

-B