Back

This will be a long post.

Also- Trigger Warning.

Previously I had made a post about my roommate/college friend’s little girl but I removed it.  Some personal reasons compelled me to have it removed and it wasn’t posted up for very long but anyway I’ll post about it more here- not really the same as the previous one though…

One of my closest friends had a baby girl on November 7th of 2016. 5 weeks premature and with a number of other health issues and complications. This spurred a 5 month journey that only ended in heart break and despair.  Beatrix, (the baby), died April 9th of 2017 in the arms of her mother. We all had 2 days to say our goodbyes but it still wasn’t enough. It’s not fucking fair and I’m still pissed. The worst part is she had improved enormously… She was off the ventilator for a week and a half. She was eating and sleeping normally and had just been playing happily 4 days prior and then the 7th she just crashed and that was it. There was nothing more to do but wait and see… wait to no avail… I can’t help but to wonder if the original hospital involved with her ‘birth’ had something to do with it… the premature. It was a c-section. The details are a bit…weird so I never asked to many question but still… Is there a chance they took her out early without needing too? Would it have made a difference? IF so- is there anything that can be done? At least awareness so this doesn’t happen again? I don’t know I’m rambling, I need to find out more information first… Anyway I’ve been there as much as possible for my friend. She’s doing well… I’m not certain if she was put on any antidepressants or not but she’s not a wreck…she’s sad I know… but I also think she’s a bit relieved. Relieved because Beatrix is no longer in pain… She’s not having to spend every damn second inside a hospital connect to machines.

Over the past few days I’ve been helping my friends (and roommates) grieve, working, school work, rescue work, getting things together for getting my business license, and sleeping about 4-6 hours a week. I’m so fucking exhausted and yet I can’t sleep even if I TRY to… I eat less now which aggravates my migraines but I don’t fucking care anymore- I’m down about 5 pounds and I want to drop down more anyway… I want to be around 110…between 100-110 is my ideal area… I need to work out more again.  Eat less shit food…RAMBLING…

Anyway… The urge to harm and/or kill myself has been on overdrive as of late. I can’t seem to shut it out no matter what I do… I find myself picking at my skin with my [lack] of finger nails. Using whatever happens to be in my hand to scratch or rub my skin raw… I want this damn feeling to go away… I want to bleed… I want to hurt. I want to die…and I want to live and be free of all this shit. I have been purposefully putting myself in dangerous situations…but as of yet I’ve been okay… I just feign a smile and act like it was an accident if someone questions my actions… They’re never accidents… I even tried to get smashed in the head by my horse when she reacted to something and reared up striking out– typically, smart- NORMAL- people move out of the way of a rearing, striking horse but I just kind of moved towards her… I almost got clobbered…but wasn’t close enough…. Though I’m pretty sure that getting my head smashed would feel better than this never ending fucking migraine shit. FUCK.

Fuck I’m done tonight, everything is hurting… lights are bothering my eyes, my computer fan is too loud. Just over all I haven’t been very happy recently so everything is just annoying and painful.

Until Tomorrow…

-B

I need help…

I need some fucking help… I mean obviously I do in regards to what I’ve posted so far; but even then, all that I’ve written so far is still watered down a lot. I stare off in to space constantly wondering what if… “what if I die today?”… “What if I finally do it?”… “What if…” It drives me nuts. I’m constantly looking for health care professionals in my area that are in my insurance coverage but I never contact anyone… I can’t… I don’t have the courage but guys I’m getting scared… but I don’t know what to do… I can’t talk to anyone- and I don’t mean that as in “I don’t have anyone to talk to so I can’t etc” I mean that in I PHYSICALLY CAN’T… I’ve tried and I clam up… I shut down and I get quiet and I just…can’t…

Please…if anyone had some coping methods that I can try just to keep my head about the water right now… just so I can stay in the grey- I don’t think I can deal with dropping into the blue right now… I don’t know… but if you have any thoughts please share… I want to cry but I can’t I need to hold it together… I will not relapse tonight… I WILL…NOT…

Until Tomorrow…

-B

Hello again

This will be short…nothing much to report other than I feel like shit I want to harm myself really bad right now and I’m just doing what I can to keep busy.

I forgot to post yesterday but nothing really major to update about other than I finally settled on the name “River” for my horse (barn name).

Anyway back to doing some tedious yet time consuming task…

until tomorrow…

-B

Have a goodnight…

My headaches are back again… a short explanation to all you: Since I was about 12ish I’ve had headaches and migraines on and off varying in degree of intensity and lasting. My worst one lasted 3 months and doing anything was hell.

Back to now have had a headache for the past week and today it was awful…i couldn’t focus. I kept messing up simple tasks. ugh.

However on a better not I didn’t binge today even though I wanted to. I didn’t purge even though I wanted to, (I didn’t eat anything healthy but that is for another time)…. I wish I could say I did ‘t self harm but I can’t…but I didn’t self harm as much as I wanted to- don’t know if that means anything.
I felt…really empty today though. I just really wanted be able to disappear… but I pushed past the emptiness and the pain and just kept working until I was able to go home.

Have a goodnight

until tomorrow…

-B

I want to relapse…

almost all good things happened today and I want to turn my arms into shredded meat….What. The. Fuck?! Seriously…what is wrong with me… fuck.

Fuck it all. My mind is a dick.

I also want to cry…and scream.

But I won’t. I’ll continue to stare blankly at the wall- after I’ve finished writing.

Oh also…I’m a piece of shit because I am getting a horse and I can’t be trusted with sharp objects…??? Like horses are my passion…being around horses and riding them and petting them…brings me as close to happiness as I can get… but…I am TERRIBLE for getting this horse…She is gorgeous and sweet and athletic and will be an amazing dressage horse… but how I can I take this horse when I may very well be dead tomorrow? How I can I do that to her and to everyone else who would have to figure out what the hell to do with her if I die? How can one person be so goddamn selfish? Because in all reality I have a super high chance of killing myself and it’s not fun…it’s not okay..but I love this horse and I want her… fucking damnit…just… FUCK.

-B

Saturday and Trail riding

I woke up feeling fairly shitty. You know that feeling you get went you want to cry for absolutely no fucking reason? That was today. I hate that feeling. I get that feeling and then I get angry because I hate the weakness of it all… and basically I’m just a total dick…but internally. Externally I’m just quiet…pensive.

But I digress…today wasn’t awful at least. I worked part of the day. Didn’t have much to do this time. I mentioned previously I work at a barn; more specifically I train horses, give riding lesson, guide trail rides and other shit depending but those are the main things.  Going on a detour here for a moment while I’m on the topic of my job… If you ever decide to go on a trail ride regardless if it is the single file snooze fest ones or not please please PLEASE for the love of everything do not say you are an experienced rider if you only kind of ride. YOU ARE NOT EXPERIENCED JUST SITTING ON A HORSE AND KIND OF RIDING AROUND ON IT.

You are experienced when you can walk, trot, and canter comfortable and control the horse when it gets excited. If you are holding your reins up to your shoulders and habe your legs sticking out past the horse’s face- YOU’RE NOT EXPERIENCED. Just because you may have been on a horse before… just because maybe you’ve flopped around when they’ve trotted… doesn’t mean you are experienced. Horses are animals…wild fucking animals. No matter how much training they have…no matter how old they are- THEY CAN AND WILL SPOOK… it may take a horse 20 years before its spooks. But every horse spooks. When places say you can or cannot do something on a ride it is for YOUR SAFETY and the safety of they horse because even the best riders in the world can be injured or killed… If you go to a place to ride and you’re not experience they will know. Lying will get you nowhere…If you seriously want to trot and canter the horse you’re riding talk to the place before hand and see if they have an arena you can ride around in and go those speeds, (tip: don’t say “run” it’s a tell tale novice rider sign), that is the best way to be able to speed up when riding… It’s in a controlled and safe environment… It may not be as picturesque as the trail ride but it’s a lot safer if you don’t know much about riding. Every place has different rules and different things the allow and don’t allow and will do as part of the ride system, (for example I always give a brief riding lesson to all trail riders before we leave because I allow trotting on the ride (experienced riders have the option to canter as well) and knowing how to properly handle your horse helps a LOT)…Asking will not hurt you. I promise. If the place is rude on the phone btw do not go there…seriously don’t give them the benefit of the doubt…just find another place. Where there is one trail ride provider there are at least 2 others near that you might not have seen before. Phone/email etiquette is important. You as the customer deserve respect- the worker also deserves respect so when you’re calling or emailing around to places don’t be a twat. last tip before I move on READ the fucking website. Almost ALWAYS your question is answered on the website and if it’s not reread it again before you contact them- it’ll save a lot of time and effort.

Back to my day- I didn’t have any real issue with my ride today. One rider said they were experienced and to a point they were but…just not taught very well. But they rode well enough. But overall it was an ok day at work. I rode one of the trail horses before the day started because he’s been turning into a bit of a dick and trying to race back to first barn now… He’s getting better but is going to need a couple more days of correction.

I was wanting to leave work to support my sister-in-law’s event but I procrastinated. I showed up at the last like 20 minutes of the event…I feel bad but also don’t really care… is that bad? I don’t know but I’m an asshole about things like that really… I just don’t care. I’m not interested. I’ll show up but I won’t pay attention to anything or buy anything… shitty but whatever.

The rest of the day/night… I’ll be doing nothing…well I might have a couple glass of Scotch….fuck I’m out of ice. I don’t want to go anywhere… anyone care to donate some ice? Yay enabling… (sarcasm)

Until Tomorrow…

-B

The start of getting better-hopefully.

I can fake happiness like nobody’s business. There are days though, when at best I can fake only “okay”… Only those that know me really well will know something is off on those days but even then they don’t really know ME… I don’t let them. I don’t talk about my depression. I don’t talk about my anxiety. And i especially don’t talk about my bulimia… Outwardly I seem fairly normal…but my reality is that I am constantly on a low…blue or grey is my life. I am always contemplating suicide and fighting the urge to harm and/or kill myself. Every moment. Every day. It’s a never ending battle. Some days are just easier than others.

It’s not fun. And I hate it.

I live fearing myself and my own actions. I keep myself busy from the time I wake up to the time I pass out because I don’t trust myself with spare time for even a moment. But even at my busiest moments I still have fantasies and day dreams about dying… when I’m driving how easy it would be to just merge over into oncoming traffic when a larger vehicle is coming… At work…anyone of my jobs I could look at just about anything and imagine multiple different ways of how I can kill myself with that particular object… bottle of aspirin…the pen on the upper left corner of the desk…we’re close to a road way just time it right and walk out…

The point is I have to force myself to do something- ANYTHING else. I don’t want to. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to drive anywhere…I don’t want to get up. But I HAVE to… since childhood I’ve been trained and conditioned that what I want does not matter. No matter what I have responsibilities…and they always come first. It’s difficult and exhausting.

I’m never happy really…and I’m rarely ever content (blue and grey). The minor occasions when I am content- when I get a glimpse and feel of what happiness might be like- it’s gone as quick as it came. It’s fleeting…it dances before me then drifts away into nothing and afterward I feel lower than I was before. It’s why I hate going out anywhere…doing anything that normal people find “fun” because I know…that at some point it’ll all come crashing down on me and I’ll be so fucking close to another suicide attempt. And I hate that feeling.

But still…I out on my mask and pretend I’m a normal human who isn’t broken. I venture out with people I know. I laugh, and smile and play along with the game all the while inside I’m screaming and crying, “I can’t do this. I can’t…”  I drink sometimes, (bad mix with depression I know but hey consume enough and I can die right?), but I feel some empty and numb that…I really don’t follow what’s going on for long. A short time I’m okay…but soon enough I go into panic mode and autopilot comes on. And my chances of relapsing increase drastically.

I relapsed recently…self harm and bulimia wise..anxiety comes and goes though I believe is depression based but I can’t say for sure… I had previously been purge and self harm free for about 6 months…and I fucked it all up a couple days ago. I work at a non profit horse rescue (outside my regular full time job which is also with horses), and myself and 3 of the team members, (will be referred to as team members 1, 2, and 3), went out after working at the rescue that day (it was Wednesday the 15th of March if anyone is wanting to know). I should not have gone out. I had been feeling low all day and just overall not wanting to do anything but I did anyway. We went out to dinner. Team member 2 went home after dinner but team member 1, 3 and myself went to a bar after to play pool and myself and 1 drank. Team member 3 doesn’t drink and was d.d. We played pool and we drank…I shouldn’t have been there. I shouldn’t have been drinking but I didn’t give a fuck. I had the next day off and I just gave up on fighting whatever I was feeling. We played a few rounds of pool and ended up inviting another patron at the bar to join us (new guy 1). It was still fairly early around 8 or 9 pm so there were only 6 or 7 people in the bar excluding the bartender. We played and drank more and smoked (Team member 1 and 2 and I are smokers). New guy 1 was waiting for a friend and eventually his buddy showed up (new guy 2), and he joined us so we had someone sitting out. It varied on who sat out. But after an hour maybe an hour and a half I hit my limit (not drinking wise)… I fell into panic mode and I feel like I’m suffocating. I sit out on the next few games and I go outside. I needed air. I needed to cool down… I needed to escape. But it wasn’t enough; I was outside for awhile (not sure exactly how long). I stared out at the highway that was right there and just wondered- why not? I didn’t have answer but I also didn’t have an answer to “why?” “Why do I feel this way?” ” Why do I want to die?”…”Why am I like this?”…I just kept staring out there, considering what could happen until I finally went back in…I went straight to the bathroom almost hyperventilating- thankfully no one was paying close attention. I Harmed myself with a box cutter blade and a lighter (I carry blades in my wallet because I’m ridiculous). I also purged while I was in the bathroom…no one knew. None of them will ever know (I hope). I prefer to over exercise rather than vomit- people don’t question exercise- but sometimes I don’t have that option. I’m not proud. In fact I’m angry. I’m angry that I allowed myself to get that bad…that I allowed myself to reach a point that I lost all control and will power. I was angry and still am. Because I had been asked before I went outside by team member 1 if I was okay…and like the idiot I am I lied and said I was fine just wanted to go outside for a bit… I hate myself more now because of my relapse. 6 months all turned to shit. After I left the bathroom I was on auto pilot… I drank, smoked, and played pool when it was my turn, like nothing happened though my arms and leg throbbed from where I had just harmed myself…I’m not proud. I’m ashamed.

Mentally I shut down before I went outside but we were there until about 1:30am… I never should have been. If I hadn’t have gone maybe I would have stayed clean from self harm. Clean from purging… I would have… because I would have just taken my sleeping pills and went to bed… But instead I made a nightmare for myself and I can’t live it down… Still though; team member 1 had a lot of fun…so not everything was a waste.

—————

This was a very forward introduction to me…and my struggles. I threw out there basically everything from the start, (well the start of this particular day. In generally I’ve been dealing with this shit for years), so you’ll know just exactly what this shit is and exactly what it will be about… It won’t always be as bad as this. And it won’t always be this long. But I want you to know- to realize- just how real it is for me. How difficult and exhausting everything is. I don’t have any real expectation or goal that I want to happen with this being out there-it’s more or less an attempt at a new outlet, a new therapy for me- But if it does help others to understand better what it’s like for someone to live with depression or anxiety or bulimia or any combination of the 3- then that’s a good thing because someone else who is struggling will have someone who can help a little better.

I’m hoping to post something everyday- they won’t always be long- It’ll generally be shorter rather than longer. Some will be… but it will mostly focus o  my depression and my occasional flare up of anxiety and bulimia. But no guarantees of how often I will actually post.

-B