Shiiit…

— Trigger Warning–

It’s been a long time and I wish I could say it was for good reason but it’s not… not really… I just didn’t fucking care to write…to post to keep anyone informed that I was still alive. But honestly who the fuck cares… I don’t.

Things have been… up and down. I didn’t look back at what I last posted so I’m not sure If i’ll recap everything necessarily. But first to start off with I gucking hate my roommates. Honestly… don’t ever have roommates if my name wasn’t also on the lease Id leave right now. Id rather live in my fucking car than with these shitheads. (okay i know im not writing properly- capitalizations and punctuations and shit but I dont care enough right now- i MIGHT fix it later… we’ll see)

I was friends with my roommates before we moved into the same place… at this rate by the end of our lease if i cant keep it together we are probably going to be fucking mortal enemies… but seriously…FUCK THEM. they are disgusting lazy fucking slobs and I REFUSE to clean up after their shit. They will not take out the trash is has been piling up — THIS TIME– FOR A WHOLE FUCKING MONTH. NOT EVEN IN A CAN OR BAG JUST ON THE FLOOR IN THE CORNER OF THE KITCHEN/DINING ROOM (one of those apartments where the dining room and kitchen conjoin)… THIS IS NOT THE FIRST FUCKING TIME… the first time i bagged and trashed all the shit… 5 fucking full regular kitchen trash bags PLUS SOME MEDIUM-ISH SIZED BOXES FULL OF TRASH… I fucking hate it…Im paying my part of the rent for a place that im at barely 4 times out of a fucking month and they can even be bothered to get up off their fucking asses to take out some fucking garbage!?! And don’t even get me started on the fucking dishes– WE HAVE A GODDAMN DISHWASHER AND ENOUGH DISHES FOR JUST 4 PEOPLE (there are only 3 including myself) AND THEY STILL LEAVE THEM FOR WEEKS!! They have boxes and shit everywhere of their bullshit stuff… they have 3 fucking cats (notice i tolerate cats dont hate em but dont have to have one) AND IT FUCKING REAKS TO HIGH HEAVEN I DONT EVER INVITE ANYONE OVER (because i have noone to invite over really) because its so fucking disgusting…. and fuck them if they think im going to be their fucking maid… maybe if they want to pay FULL rent themselves..then i MIGHT consider it… Fuck them and their disgusting asses. At the very least I shouldn’t be paying half the rent… I am limited to my small ass fucking room (they of course took the master without any consultation or otherwise) and my bathroom which is also the public one if anyone were to use it… but the point I have shit here… I almost never here… (I got the apartment and then shortly there after all my jobs boomed and ive been superbly busy one of my jobs is staying at others’ houses anf wstching their animals while they’re out of town)… I… i just want out…ugh

At some point around the time I stopped writing I got a boyfriend… back in early May… I didn’t really expect it to go…how it did but… he’s great… but im terrified… im going to fucking ruin it…I know I am and in the past week Ive become so low…and so fucking insane and … I don’t know how i can tell him…

which brings me (us?) to now… ive relapsed… bad… ive been crying and ive been cutting and ive been purging… the last couples weeks have been awful… When Im at my bf i refuse to eat- act like im not hungry whatever I can do… i hide the new cuts…and just… fuck… how can you tell someone you care about so much you’re a broken piece of shit? And why the fuck should it matter though? Fuck… those of you who have read the very first post you know how i contemplate suicide everyday… that hasnt stopped its only gotten worse… its all the fucking time… and I tell myself who the fuck would give a shit anyway even if i did just kill myself? But that’s the thing… I KNOW there are a number of people who would give at least one shit… but thats just it… I DONT CARE… I DONT care how much it would affect others…. I just dont want to fucking live anymore and Im finiding it harder and harder to find something to grasp onto…

I dont know what the fuck to do…