So tired, yet no sleep…

I have been late for work almost everyday this past week…i can’t get to leep until well after 3am and then I’m awake again around 4-4:30am and then 5 and again between 530 and 545 and so on until I have to get up for work and I just DON’T want to…and so I don’t…and then I am late. Luckily-ish for me since it’s winter here I don’t have many morning clients coming to ride usually evening after work and/or school for them…and thankfully my boss is understanding… it just might be a problem later on during summer.

I won’t have much today I have a splitting headache and just no real motivation for much. But on the even more downside found out one of my students has bone cancer that has spread to her lungs already by the time it was discovered…. She’s 10.

That kind of shit really puts things in perspective and yet it doesn’t change how I feel the majority of the time…

Anyway I want to leave with a little bit of a positive for you guys;

I rode my horse today and she did well, we worked on her getting over her funkyness with water and muddy… though I now may have created a mud monster haha.

Well I’m going to go and try and get ride of this headache before it becomes a migraine…

Until Tomorrow

-B

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So Sorry…

I am so terrible sorry I awful at keeping to schedules- particularly when making new habits… nee habits are especially hard for me. I start something and I might even be a little excited for half a momemt but eventually after a few days, or weeks, or possibly even months I end up going back to the same old routines- and a lot of my routine is just laziness…. 

What’s really aggrivating is I WANT to do something… I want to draw, paint, plays some games, ride my horse, take my dog on a walk- SOMETHING… but I just fucking can’t… I got to write whether on paper or computer but I just…stare…at a blank page.

I want to do better…And I will try but I give no promises… In the mean time I’ll try to recap previous shenanigans since my last post (June…REALLY!? jeez -_-)… anyway not a whole lot happened at first and then there was a bit of a set back- for me.

My P.O.S. school I was attending online classes for had some VERY incompetant finacial aid workers and other employees… first the fail to tell me they’re not awarding me finacial aid for the last term I completed until AFTER….the term end…no email, no regular mail, no message on my account…NOTHING until the end and then suddenly I owed them a shit ton for that term and the next term…. and why wasn’t I recieving financial aid…because I didn’t send in a w-2 for 2015…. AND IT DIDN’T EXSIST… seriously… I started working in 2015 at a job…part time as an independant contractor until 2016 when I was THEN put on payroll at the place… but apparently a 1099misc isnt good enough and they wouldnt accept that… needless to say they’re assholes and I’m no longer there. (If you’d like to know the school I will tell you privately but I will not name it here). I paid my stupid bill that really screwed me over and basically took most of my savings – (it was around 1000- not terrible for some people but its takes me awhile to save up like that)- And I had just paid for a vacation (not a super high amount but again I don’t make much) and yes I suppose I COULD have cancelled the vacation- I would have gotten a refund- but I don’t do much very often and it was my first one in a year and a half do…no…i wasn’t going to… but it just threw me off as I try and save as much as I can in the summer because winter comes a long and… there goes half – give or take- of what I make, (not including tips- tips generally drop about 85% in the winter); so my summer savings is generally my winter buffer- I generally can make ends meet with just my regular winter pay but sometimes when weather is bad theres the occaisonal week or few weeks when I may be short- or I may need to get something important or fix something on my vehicle and then there’s the cost of my animals.

By no means am I in the red- and I hope I didn’t make it sound like that but my savings is my saftey net, and also my doctor appointment fund, and I don’t have that this winter and it just stresses me. If I can’t afford it out right in cash* (I have a bank card but no credit card and do not really want one), ans be sure I can make it to my next pay check then it doesn’t happen…which in short means no therapy shenanigans no doctor shenanigans no medications no nothing because my insurance is shit and basically I’m screwed if anything happens to me at all… (and for some reason I can’t get on medicaid though from what I know/understand of it (very little) of people I know on it, it would be much better?)

 But anyway moving on-

(Trigger warning)

I’ve been off for months and I do not know exactly what’s causing it…  I started cutting again- cutting my thigh fairly deep… I’m okay…it last for a almost 2 months… My boyfriend helped me through it a lot and…I’m so greatful for him. Around that same time he almost died and it was terrifying- he is an insulin dependant type 1 diaetic. I came home from work one evening and he was drenched in set sitting on the bed trying to get his blood sugar up and starting to have siezures… I got him some gatorade and other things to help him but norhing was working and I needed to call the paremadics as he was starting to lose conciousness and was becoming unresponsive. The paramedics were able to bring his blood sugar up but it was at 19 when they had got there…

Once his blood sugar was up I got him some food to help keep it stable but he’s still been having issues with his blood sugar dropping a lot- thankfully we’ve been able to bring it back up before he drops even lower…

Good news here: My vacation was awesome… my boyfriend I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain and we had a great time, no issues with anything and it was awesome. (we were in the area for a couple days and then went back home and I spent the rest of my vacation very lazily and it was nice)

And now…currentishness

So… one of the main things I struggle with, with my depression is self care… I go days without showering despite how disgusting it is… I probably brush my teeth a few times a month- usually using gum or other minty things to freshen my breath… If it weren’t for my boyfriend I don’t know how often the sheets would be changed nor my pillow case… I don’t do laundry until I’m out of clothes… I can not understand WHY it’s so hard to do these things… why I have so little care about any of those things… particularly showering- I work at a horse barn…I [attempt] to workout every work day… and I still don’t shower everyday even though I need it…even though I am positive I smell (i’ll use various spray fresheners to help with my smell but those only do so much)… I want to do better but…every time I even think about it theres a sense of dread… It doesn’t make sense…

Anyway I will leave it at that for now and hopefully be back again soon…

Until tomorrow…

-B

Shiiit…

— Trigger Warning–

It’s been a long time and I wish I could say it was for good reason but it’s not… not really… I just didn’t fucking care to write…to post to keep anyone informed that I was still alive. But honestly who the fuck cares… I don’t.

Things have been… up and down. I didn’t look back at what I last posted so I’m not sure If i’ll recap everything necessarily. But first to start off with I gucking hate my roommates. Honestly… don’t ever have roommates if my name wasn’t also on the lease Id leave right now. Id rather live in my fucking car than with these shitheads. (okay i know im not writing properly- capitalizations and punctuations and shit but I dont care enough right now- i MIGHT fix it later… we’ll see)

I was friends with my roommates before we moved into the same place… at this rate by the end of our lease if i cant keep it together we are probably going to be fucking mortal enemies… but seriously…FUCK THEM. they are disgusting lazy fucking slobs and I REFUSE to clean up after their shit. They will not take out the trash is has been piling up — THIS TIME– FOR A WHOLE FUCKING MONTH. NOT EVEN IN A CAN OR BAG JUST ON THE FLOOR IN THE CORNER OF THE KITCHEN/DINING ROOM (one of those apartments where the dining room and kitchen conjoin)… THIS IS NOT THE FIRST FUCKING TIME… the first time i bagged and trashed all the shit… 5 fucking full regular kitchen trash bags PLUS SOME MEDIUM-ISH SIZED BOXES FULL OF TRASH… I fucking hate it…Im paying my part of the rent for a place that im at barely 4 times out of a fucking month and they can even be bothered to get up off their fucking asses to take out some fucking garbage!?! And don’t even get me started on the fucking dishes– WE HAVE A GODDAMN DISHWASHER AND ENOUGH DISHES FOR JUST 4 PEOPLE (there are only 3 including myself) AND THEY STILL LEAVE THEM FOR WEEKS!! They have boxes and shit everywhere of their bullshit stuff… they have 3 fucking cats (notice i tolerate cats dont hate em but dont have to have one) AND IT FUCKING REAKS TO HIGH HEAVEN I DONT EVER INVITE ANYONE OVER (because i have noone to invite over really) because its so fucking disgusting…. and fuck them if they think im going to be their fucking maid… maybe if they want to pay FULL rent themselves..then i MIGHT consider it… Fuck them and their disgusting asses. At the very least I shouldn’t be paying half the rent… I am limited to my small ass fucking room (they of course took the master without any consultation or otherwise) and my bathroom which is also the public one if anyone were to use it… but the point I have shit here… I almost never here… (I got the apartment and then shortly there after all my jobs boomed and ive been superbly busy one of my jobs is staying at others’ houses anf wstching their animals while they’re out of town)… I… i just want out…ugh

At some point around the time I stopped writing I got a boyfriend… back in early May… I didn’t really expect it to go…how it did but… he’s great… but im terrified… im going to fucking ruin it…I know I am and in the past week Ive become so low…and so fucking insane and … I don’t know how i can tell him…

which brings me (us?) to now… ive relapsed… bad… ive been crying and ive been cutting and ive been purging… the last couples weeks have been awful… When Im at my bf i refuse to eat- act like im not hungry whatever I can do… i hide the new cuts…and just… fuck… how can you tell someone you care about so much you’re a broken piece of shit? And why the fuck should it matter though? Fuck… those of you who have read the very first post you know how i contemplate suicide everyday… that hasnt stopped its only gotten worse… its all the fucking time… and I tell myself who the fuck would give a shit anyway even if i did just kill myself? But that’s the thing… I KNOW there are a number of people who would give at least one shit… but thats just it… I DONT CARE… I DONT care how much it would affect others…. I just dont want to fucking live anymore and Im finiding it harder and harder to find something to grasp onto…

I dont know what the fuck to do…

I have returned

I’ve returned to my regular posting now (I think/hope)… I had a very bad low moment and needed to get some real help for a bit. 

It’s hard to admit that I’ve reached that point to where I am too weak to keep fighting on my own… that I am a failure but it was either get help or die… I’m still not convinced I made the right choice. 

I don’t know but… I’m going to go paint or something even though it’s past midnight. Can’t sleep….

Until Tomorrow…

-B

WHY -(this a rant not your regularly scheduled lunacy)

WHY THE HELL IS EVERYTHI LNG SO GOD DAMN FRUSTRATING ALL THE FUCKING TIME?!?

Why must things be made to be shitty? My laptop constantly just goes black and i have to manually shut it down by holding the power button if i ever want to use it again and its only 6 fucking months old. What the actual fuck.

Also i fucking hate google amd android some times. I am trying to upload photos and videos to google drive and its NOT FUCKING WORKING and freaking google wont let me just attach and send the shit via email oooh noo its too fucking hard to attach damn files jesus… but yet I try to upload even just ONE fucking photo to google drive and it takes 20 fucking years because suddenly samsung thinks I asked it to upload every fucking photo on earth! God damn can companies not get their shit together. My first phoneand my first eber computer (well family computer but still) last for YEARS… not fucking 2 hours then shits on you.

Fuck.

-B

Morning

 Morning everyone.

Wednesday is Rescue day and over the past couple days I have been planning and thinking of ways to get more donations in. If any of you have any ideas please feel free to share.

For now though I’m just trying to keep my head above the water. I eaten too much recently and I need to stop. I need to lose more weight… 

Anyway nothing major to report for the prior two days. I will work on being more frequent in my posting.

On the upside though I am finally going to be calling a doctor for my head aches – or I at least plan on calling a doctor. We’ll see if I actually do.

Good bye for now I may post again later tonight…

Until Tomorrow…

-B

Back

This will be a long post.

Also- Trigger Warning.

Previously I had made a post about my roommate/college friend’s little girl but I removed it.  Some personal reasons compelled me to have it removed and it wasn’t posted up for very long but anyway I’ll post about it more here- not really the same as the previous one though…

One of my closest friends had a baby girl on November 7th of 2016. 5 weeks premature and with a number of other health issues and complications. This spurred a 5 month journey that only ended in heart break and despair.  Beatrix, (the baby), died April 9th of 2017 in the arms of her mother. We all had 2 days to say our goodbyes but it still wasn’t enough. It’s not fucking fair and I’m still pissed. The worst part is she had improved enormously… She was off the ventilator for a week and a half. She was eating and sleeping normally and had just been playing happily 4 days prior and then the 7th she just crashed and that was it. There was nothing more to do but wait and see… wait to no avail… I can’t help but to wonder if the original hospital involved with her ‘birth’ had something to do with it… the premature. It was a c-section. The details are a bit…weird so I never asked to many question but still… Is there a chance they took her out early without needing too? Would it have made a difference? IF so- is there anything that can be done? At least awareness so this doesn’t happen again? I don’t know I’m rambling, I need to find out more information first… Anyway I’ve been there as much as possible for my friend. She’s doing well… I’m not certain if she was put on any antidepressants or not but she’s not a wreck…she’s sad I know… but I also think she’s a bit relieved. Relieved because Beatrix is no longer in pain… She’s not having to spend every damn second inside a hospital connect to machines.

Over the past few days I’ve been helping my friends (and roommates) grieve, working, school work, rescue work, getting things together for getting my business license, and sleeping about 4-6 hours a week. I’m so fucking exhausted and yet I can’t sleep even if I TRY to… I eat less now which aggravates my migraines but I don’t fucking care anymore- I’m down about 5 pounds and I want to drop down more anyway… I want to be around 110…between 100-110 is my ideal area… I need to work out more again.  Eat less shit food…RAMBLING…

Anyway… The urge to harm and/or kill myself has been on overdrive as of late. I can’t seem to shut it out no matter what I do… I find myself picking at my skin with my [lack] of finger nails. Using whatever happens to be in my hand to scratch or rub my skin raw… I want this damn feeling to go away… I want to bleed… I want to hurt. I want to die…and I want to live and be free of all this shit. I have been purposefully putting myself in dangerous situations…but as of yet I’ve been okay… I just feign a smile and act like it was an accident if someone questions my actions… They’re never accidents… I even tried to get smashed in the head by my horse when she reacted to something and reared up striking out– typically, smart- NORMAL- people move out of the way of a rearing, striking horse but I just kind of moved towards her… I almost got clobbered…but wasn’t close enough…. Though I’m pretty sure that getting my head smashed would feel better than this never ending fucking migraine shit. FUCK.

Fuck I’m done tonight, everything is hurting… lights are bothering my eyes, my computer fan is too loud. Just over all I haven’t been very happy recently so everything is just annoying and painful.

Until Tomorrow…

-B